Every Super Smash Brothers Fighter as a Podcast (UPDATED 10/5/21)

Mario is Conan O’Brian Needs A Friend.  He’s basic and maybe gets a little more credit then he deserves, but he’s reliable and likable enough. I’ve never met a Mario main or a Conan O’Brian fan in my life, but I’m sure they’re out there and I wish them well.

Dr. Mario is Sawbones: A Marital Tour of Misguided Medicine. There’s some good medical advice in there, but there’s also a goofy guy who might make jokes about pizza or whatever. There would probably be an episode of Sawbones about a plumber who also gave you meds.

Link is Friends At The Table, specifically the Hieron seasons. Seasons of Hieron takes place in a high fantasy post apocalypse, much like Breath of the Wild. They even named a move in the third season after BotW.

Robin is Potterless. Books, magic, this vague anime boy has the works. I could get deeper, since there are some connections with Robin to the main villain of Fire Emblem Awakening that I could compare to Harry Potter, but let’s not get too into Fire Emblem lore here.

Kirby is The Magnus Archives. Nearly universally beloved, huge fanbase, horrifying the more you think about them.

Luigi is Nightlight because he’s built his independent career on being a scaredy cat and would certainly be spooked by these stories (although I’m sure I’m missing out on a really good diss about calling a some other podcast “the Luigi of podcasting.”)

Bayonetta is Kalila Stormfire’s Economical Magick Services. Granted, Stormfire has a way more grounded approach to magic, but as the resident Smash Brothers witch, the comparison seems pretty easy.

Snake is A More Civilized Age: A Clone Wars Podcast since Metal Gear is a series about analyzing war and leans heavily into dramatic irony as a storytelling tool. Also Snake is a clone that fights in a war. Actually, the Snake that is in this game, while a clone, was more of a special ops soldier then a clone trooper. It was actually Big Boss, the Jango Fett in this equation–

Rosalina and Luma are We Fix Space Junk since you spend a lot of time in the Super Mario Galaxy games fixing space junk. I’ll admit Rosalina does not suffer under the same degree of Space Capitalism, but she’s like God I think? So it wouldn’t affect her anyway.

Simon is Spirits since he fights against a plethora of ghosts and ghouls and other mythical beasts. He probably also drinks.

Donkey Kong is Not Another D&D Podcast since he actually appeared on the show. For some reason they did two holiday episodes on Kongo Bongo Island, to the point where one of the characters was briefly granted the title of Donkey Kong. What a good show.

ROB is Waypoint Radio since that’s the show I listen to that is most likely to do a deep dive on The Subspace Emissary, the Super Smash Brothers Brawl Adventure Mode where ROB was pretty central to the plot. Also Rob is the name of one of the hosts.

And Mii Fighter? Well, dear reader, that’s your podcast. Throw that podcast in the comments, share it with people, and let people know what SSBU fighter represents your podcast. And remember to like, comment and–

Diddy Kong is Greater Boston. Polygon already did the work in assigning Diddy to Massachusetts, so I’m just completing the cycle.

Hero is Very Random Encounters because there was some controversy when he came out about how his down special was randomized, thus making him difficult to regulate in a tournament setting when he was originally released and… VRE‘s whole thing is… being random…

Bowser Jr is My Brother, My Brother and Me, or in this case, My Brother, My Brother, My Brother, My Brother, My Sister, My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

Peach is Home Cooking, since it’s a cooking show. There’s probably something bad about giving one of Nintendo’s main female characters a show about cooking, but we do not have time to unpack Nintendo’s concerning gender politics.

Cloud is Got It Memorized, because he is one of the only Kingdom Hearts characters in this game.

King K Rool is Rude Tales of Magic because his name would definitely be a Rude Tales NPC name.

Ness is This Is A Cultural Event because, as a weird little magic boy with a bat, he has the vibes of a Blaseball player and Cultural Event is the only Blaseball podcast I listen to.

Bowser is Dungeons and Daddies since he is one of the few actual dads on the roster and Chrom is too pretty to be the Dungeons and Daddies smasher.

Pokemon Trainer is 20 Sided Stories since they had a whole season set in the Pokemon universe. Yes, I’m sweeping Squirtle, Ivysaur and Charzard in here too. I don’t have anything to prove to you.

Samus is Girl in Space, because that is what she is.

Zero Suit Samus is also Girl in Space since this is just the same person wearing a different outfit.

Ganondorf is Kakos Industries since he’s evil but, like, in a professional way.  And also kinda horny, depending on where you’re looking on the internet, and also in a professional way.

Shulk is Friends at the Table. Everyone calm down, I know I’ve already said Link is Friends at the Table, but Link is the Hieron season, and Shulk is more of the Divine series (counter/WEIGHT, Twilight Mirarage, PARTIZAN). Yes, I’m double dipping, but I’ve got a fucking deadline to meet. Anyway, it’s because he lives on a big mech and that’s some FatT shit right ther

Fox is Startripper!! He explores the stars and has a great time, just like the guy in StarTripper!!  (Well, Fox is also murdering people while Feston is just on a sabbatical vacation so, um welp.)

Falco is Mission to Zyxx for the same reason that Fox is StarTripper!! except he’s made peace with being a murderer. At least I think so. Would you believe Nintendo never addresses the war trauma of the Star Fox crew?

Meta Knight is This American Life. Meta Knight was the best character from a meta standpoint when he was introduced in Brawl and, according to a Podchaser list I found as the first result of googling “best podcast of 2008” (the year Super Smash Brothers Brawl came out), This American Life was also the best podcast of that year. After all, have podcast awards ever been wrong?

Little Mac is Boxing Life Stories because, come on, he’s the boxing guy. Please. I need some easy ones. There are so many characters in this game. Sakuri asked the world “Can I make it so that Everyone is Here?” when he should have asked if he should.

Pichu is It’s Super Effective since they’re a Pokemon. Would you believe that there are a lot of pokemon podcasts out there?

Byleth is The Adventure Zone Graduation. They teach at a magic school that isn’t all what it seems. Both schools are also connected to divine things, although Byleth has to put up with far more culty practices. And do not get me started on how, in certain runs of Three Houses, Byleth can also–

Wii Fit Trainer is 20 Minute Fitness since they’re canonically all about that grind. 

The Ice Climbers are The Travel (Guy)des since I like to think that they do more than just climb mountains. Maybe they go sailing, or hunt for lost treasure, or check out famous historical sites. I’m just saying, Ice Climbers walked so Uncharted could run.

Richter is Forgive Me! since he seems pretty religious but chill about it, you know?

Chrom is The Modern Dads Podcast since he is a dad.

Sonic is Cancel Me, Daddy since out of all of the fighters, he is the one with the most active Twitter account and was very popular in the 90’s, so that can only go so well.

King Dedede Is Til Death Do Us Blart since he is the Paul Blart of Smash Brothers. If you disagree, I beg you to sound off in the comments. The Blart Discourse is strong.

Marth is Anime Out Of Context since he was introduced to the US in Super Smash Brothers Melee before Fire Emblem came out in the state, thus taking him, an Anime Adjacent Character out of his original context. This is a stretch but I’m proud of it.

Wolf is Wolf 359 because come on. It’s a soft ball. He’s even in space and everything.

Olimar is Garden Plots with Skeletor because he… gardens. Sort of. There isn’t really much of a Skeletor connection here, but I couldn’t really think of any other gardening podcasts. 

Piranha Plant is Everything is Alive because they are the fighter that most resembles something that would just be lying around your house.

Pac-Man is Light Hearts. Both involve eating, colors, and ghosts, although maybe not in the same way.

Inkling is Critical Bits because the idea of a kid that is also a squid that shoots an ink gun at you sounds like something out of the show.

Banjo and Kazooie are Spiritual Successor because of that one shitty building game where they only built cars, which was definitely a game that should not be made. I’m absolutely positive that jokes about games that came out in 2008 will land in the year of Our Lord 2021.

Palutena is The Godshead Incidental. She’s a ladyboss, she’s a goddess, and I’m going to ignore anyone who comes at me with more lore on Palutena explaining why this doesn’t work.

Mewtwo is Champs in The Making. That’s right, another Pokemon podcast. At least this one is about determining the best Pokemon, which some would say Mewtwo is.

Pikachu is VALENCE. Not gonna lie, I struggled with this one, but I have on good authority (re:the creative team behind the show) that the show is about an electricity powered lil bastard and his stupid chaotic twink boyfriend, which is what Pikachu is at it’s core.

(Editor’s note: It’s me I’m creative team behind the show)

Isabelle is Wonderful!, because she is.

Duck Hunt is Can I Pet Your Dog. I don’t want to get too deep into the dynamic between the duck and the dog here, but for the sake of this slide, let’s just say the duck is the owner and is just really enthusiastic about telling folks about their dog. If Mickey Mouse can own a dog, so can this duck. I didn’t think this is where I would draw the line but here we are.

Jigglypuff is Sleep With Me since they’re whole thing is putting people to sleep.

Toon Link is Campaign: Skyjacks because the crew on that show are sky pirates and Toon Link is technically a pirate (or at least he hangs out with them? I don’t think he ever winds up doing any actual pirating with them.)

Lucas is Anime Sickos. I think if you dedicate a whole episode to talk about someone, they get to stand for you on the inconsequential podcast list.

Pit is The Hard Drive Show since they covered the entirety of Captain N: The Game Master, a show that Pit is a character in.

Steve is The Podcast Mines: There But For The Grace Of Pod Go We. I could make a joke about them building fake podcasts on the show, but it’s really just because it has the word “mine” in it.

Incineroar is Join The Party because they were mentioned on the show during the midroll when SSBU came out so now they’re stuck with him.

Pyra and Mythra are Office Ladies, which could arguably be the most “two gal’s chatting” show.

Wario is unfortunately The Joe Rogan Experience, which upsets me as a proud Wario main.

The Villager is Dead Eyes because… Eyes.

Sephiroth is The Adventure Zone Amnesty since Final Fantasy 7 is actually important to the plot of that campaign.

Lucina is ars PARADOXICA since Fire Emblem Awakening and ars PARADOXICA are both built on time travel bullshit.

Captain Falcon is Car Talk since he’s from a racing game. Now that I think about it, I don’t know if he can drive an actual, real life car. Huh. Well, I’m sure he’d still get a hoot out of it.

Greninja is Pokemon World Tour: United. Yes, another Pokemon podcast for the Pokemon character, but this one is an actual play podcast. If I’m going to be repetitive, I might as well also be on brand.

Lucario is Gotta Watch’em All. This one is about rewatching the anime, and Lucario is a very important Pokemon to Ash Ketchum in the series. They have a soul bond or something. I don’t know. Yup. No other Pokemon in this roster are more important in the show than Lucario. Nope. Nobody.

Corrin is You’re Wrong About because correcting a historical mistake is a bit of a plot point in Fire Emblem Fates. See, Corrin was originally told they were a child of Noir royalty but actually they were kidnapped as a baby by King Garon and are really a member of the Hoshido Royal family. But Actually, if you play the Revelations DLC campaign, you find out that Corrin is actually–

Young Link is the Defunctland Podcast. When Young Link pulls out the Master Sword, he gets transported seven years into the future, which is a defunctland-esk version of Hyrule. Also could probably make a Majora’s Mask connection here? Or something about 90’s kid nostalgia? Is this anything?

Min Min is The Empty Bowl. Is Min Min based on cereal? No. But you eat cereal out of a bowl, and you also eat ramen out of a bowl. Therefore, Min Min is The Empty Bowl.

Dark Pit is Brimstone Valley Mall since he has Hot Topic vibes.

Ridley is Hardcore History since he’s big, and Hardcore History is a long podcast. Yup. That’s all I got for you.

Mega Man is Life with Leo(h) since it’s the most recent podcast I’ve listened to about a robot.

Joker is The LaFresian Chronicles: Arsen since it kind of sounds like the name of the Persona he uses in Smash, Arsène.

Daisy is Swiss and Lali Hijack Hollywood. I don’t know. She has the same vibes as that show.

Dark Samus is SCP Archives because they seem pretty unsettling, and they only get worse the more you learn about them.

Ike is Quest Friends! because he has the line where he says he fights for his friends, so now this is here.

Ken is ProZD and Friends, since he’s just out there doing his thing and I wish him the best.

Zelda is Revolutions. My buddy Gene is a big Legend of Zelda fan, and he said that this was his favorite podcast, so now it’s the Zelda one.

Roy is Sidequesting because he has a neat sword and his name kind of sounds like the name of the main protagonist, Rion.

Ryu is Review Revue because of alliteration.

Sheik is Another Zelda Podcast because it’s the first Zelda podcast I could find.

Mr.Game and Watch is The Game Informer Show. I searched for Mr. Game and Watch in Pocket Casts and this was the first show that came up, so good job Game Informer.

Terry Is Serial. I do not have any jokes about Terry,

Kazuya is Serial season 2. I also don’t have any jokes on Kazuya. Super Smash Brothers is the only fighting game I play. This is my punishment for not making a joke about Terry.